This was specifically brought to me a couple of times in the last few weeks. The first was about three weeks ago when I told my Mom that my best friend (we'll call her N) had moved in with her boyfriend. While I don't think this is a very good idea, and it's immoral, I am not willing to lose this friendship over it. They are planning on getting married, which, while it doesn't make it good, in my mind it makes it a little bit better. I told N what I thought about it, and she listened and thanked me for being honest, but this was what she was choosing for her life. When my Mom found out about it, she started going on a tirade about how awful it was. She then started to question whether N was really a Christian. This rubbed me the wrong way and I just walked away at that point because it wasn't worth the argument that I knew would follow.
Now, even though, her first step was to question N's salvation, this is a huge step from what would have gone down had I been in this same situation eight years ago. At that point, she would have forbidden me from ever talking to N again, and certainly would have had a heart attack at the idea of spending me the night at her and her boyfriend's house. So, while this is still not as much progress as one could hope for, it does show a little bit of movement out of the judgmental clutches of ATI.
The second occurrence was two weeks ago when one of the (also former) ATI mothers had dropped in to see Mom. Now, no one really likes Mrs. D, but she lives close to my family and my siblings and I grew up with and are close to her sons.
I have been babysitting my cousin's live-in girlfriend's twin eight-yr-olds every other week for the last couple of months. I unfortunately brought them home with me at the same time Mrs. D was visiting. She asked me who they were, and when I told her she didn't really respond except for a few thoughtful "hmm"s. I didn't tell them that my cousin and the boys' mother were living together - I only informed her that they were my cousin's girlfriend's kids. Granted, I can't know exactly what she was thinking, but when I think about how she responds to other things that are similar to this, I can pretty much figure it out. I can only assume, based on prior experience, that her thoughts were along the lines of "you shouldn't be helping them. They're living in sin and you're only encouraging it by enabling them."
Mrs. D had the misfortune of not only being in ATI, but also being part of one of the founding families of a fundy church. (My family went to a church that was a break-off from the Mennonites.) She has not gotten over the mentality of judgement that is so prevalent in ATI as is evident in the fact that she got after my little sister for wearing a shirt that was, in her opinion, "too tight," when my parents were right there and had no problem with the shirt, or any other piece of her wardrobe. She may have felt comfortable doing this because she and Mom used to be very close, but that died out when my family left ATI and most of our friends decided to shun us.
Seeing the different responses to these two similar situations highlight in my mind the progress that has been made, but also the long road that still needs to be traveled before I can say that ATI doesn't still linger over my family.
