The One Where I Can't Say "No"

I wrote this a few months ago, and just now actually have time to finish it because the semester from the pit of hell is over.

I have a problem. I'm far too accommodating. I can't tell people "no" when they ask me to do things with or for them. I haven't figured out if this is just my personality, or if it's because I was never allowed to say "no" as a child. I'm starting to think that it's probably a little of both. I will say "yes," even if it will hurt me in the long run. Like tonight – I went to a three hour meeting with one of my friends because she asked me to, and she got bonus points or something for bringing a friend.

Now, I love spending time with the people I care about. Quality time is my #1 love language. That's not the issue in this situation though. The issue is that I have a test tomorrow that is worth almost 20% of my grade in a class that I'm already not doing particularly well in. The meeting wasn't even pertinent to anything school related. I went, sat for three hours and then had to start studying for this test. (Just for reference, I have over 60 pages of notes and powerpoint slides - 6 slides to a page - that I need to have just about memorized by 11am tomorrow, and that's on top of the 187 pages of the textbook that I was supposed to have already read.) We didn’t get back on campus until almost 10:30, at which point I was tired and cranky, and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I started playing the violin when I was 8. I had begged my parents to let me take lessons since I was 5. I put up with piano lessons for 3 years just so I could get to the point of being able to read music where Mom deemed me capable of starting violin. I love my violin, and I love playing it - it's named Bethany - but I had severe (what I now recognize as) anxiety issues and I hated playing in front of other people, even my parents. When I was 9 and had been taking lessons for just over a year - not really long enough to be very good - my parents decided it was time for me to start playing in church. I still HATE playing in front of people, but when I was 9 I wouldn't be able to sleep on Saturday nights because I was worried about if I was going to make a mistake, or if I was going to freeze when I got up to play, or if I was going to trip as I was walking to the front of the sanctuary. You name it, I worried about it. The lack of sleep didn't help calm my nerves at all. I hated having to go through this every single week, but if I told Dad that I didn't want to do it, he would just get angry and start yelling about how he was "paying for these lessons, and if you aren't willing to play in church, you should just start paying for your own lessons, or better yet, we can just sell your violin and you can go back to piano." I lived for two things at the age of 9 - my violin lessons and art class, so the threat of taking the lessons away was enough to make me shut up and deal with all the shaking, awkward sweating, and my heart pounding in my ears for the hours leading up to it and then after. This eventually lead to the realization that I just had to do whatever I was told, with no questions asked, and no room for dissent. This went to the extent of me seeing requests as commands because, if you were asking me, you had obviously expended all of your other alternatives.

This was the case with another situation, ironically enough, also involving my violin. When Grandmother died in 2002, my parents "asked" me to play Ashokan Farewell (that's not very good quality, but it gets the point across) for her memorial service. I had been teaching myself this song for about a month at that point, but being 12 and away from my teacher for almost 6 months; I hadn't been trying very hard. I didn't feel ready to play it, but I had no choice, so I muddled my way through and got pity compliments after the fact. I am still terrified of going to Corvallis, even though I'm fairly certain that no one will recognize or remember me.

We’re sticking with the violin theme, because those are the events that I’m remembering right now.

When I was 12, my violin teacher started a program in which once a month, about 10-12 of her students would go to a nursing home and play for the residents. This was a wonderful program, but I was one of her most advanced students and we all had to play at the same level as the 6-7 year olds who were just starting to play. I hardly ever had solo numbers, so I was happy about that, but I felt patronized having to play “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” every single month. I worked up the courage to tell my parents at one point that I didn’t really want to do it because it wasn’t really helping me play any better and I felt stupid playing with the little kids. I was told that I was being selfish and that I needed to look at what my motivations behind these feelings were. I was told on no uncertain terms to suck it up and deal with it if I wanted to continue taking lessons. Obviously, this threat had worked before, so I caved and didn’t talk to them about it ever again. Eventually, my teacher started a small ensemble group with the students who were more advanced. We still had to play with the little kids, but we also got to play the Brandenburg Concerto and other fun pieces that required some skill. So, while this ended up working out for me in the end, the result was that if I didn’t like something, I just dealt with it and didn’t say that I hated every minute of it.

I now have problems saying "no" to anything. I volunteer for anything and everything at my college - granted, we usually get free t-shirts out of everything, so that’s how I justify over-extending myself most weekends. Homecoming? You better believe I was greeting those alumni like a boss! Getting Started Weekend? Yeah, I was working with those freshmen! (granted, I was paid for that because I work for Student Life. ;) ) I also do anything, or go anywhere with my friends when they ask, even if I don't need to make a Wal-mart run for the 4th time in one week. This has gotten so bad that I don't get much sleep, or enough time on weekends to do my mountains of homework because I am doing things around campus, or running an errand with my ex-roommate because I haven't seen her in almost a week. My day-planner is crazy full, but I still feel guilty on the rare occasion that I don't respond to an email asking for volunteers for help with Grandparents' Weekend or being on a panel for Student Life when my boss asks.

I hope and pray that my children will be able to say "no" to me. Not in the bratty, 2-yr-old’s, I-don't-want-to-go-to-bed way, but in the I-am-uncomfortable-with-this-and-it-scares-me-more-than-anything-I-can-think-of way. I pray that they will try new things without me forcing my vision of perfection onto them. I pray that I marry a man who is nothing like my father and doesn't have to have absolute control over every minute aspect of his childrens' lives. I pray and lose sleep over the fact that I have the spine of a wet noodle when it comes to my parents. Another facet of them requiring total control is that in order to have any semblance of a life outside of their narrowly defined box I had to learn to compartmentalize and ignore parts of my upbringing, but that's another post because this one is already really long. :)